My thoughts have been all over the place the last months. I have found it difficult to talk about what I am thinking about (Genae knows all to well). I figure writing them out might be the most effective way to both process what it is I am thinking, as well as communicate what is going on in my head. My thoughts of late have been focused on one of my favorite topics, me.

The past week has been a glaring reminder of how selfish I still am. I have been frustrated, if not livid, at God. My anger was not based in theological questions or anything profound. Rather I have felt like I have not been getting out of this relationship what I feel I deserve. I have served God for my whole life. Been willing to give everything to do anything for him. Yet, in my time of need, he has not delivered what I want. I want financial security..I want to be satisfied in my vocation, I want to feel like I am a vital roll in what is going on around me.

What I have found God saying to me these last few days is simple, "Look to my face, not my hands." I so quickly look for what God is giving me, and I miss out on Him altogether.

I have decided to start blogging again. It has been awhile. I have not written much since being out of missions. I need an outlet of sorts, or a place to track my thoughts, so this will be that place.

Last week Friday I went to Waterloo, where the other Mercy Ships center is. On the way out we stopped at a school that is being sponored by a Dutch NGO. While we were there looking at the school and taking pictures to send to Holland I met this little guy, Lahmen. He followed me around asking me to take his "snap", picture. He was so cute. I took about a dozen pictures of and with the little guy. I would take a picture and then show it to him. He thought it was the most incredible thing in the world. i can't help but wonder what will happen to Lahmen. I can only pray that he is one of the few fortunate Sierra Leonians to have a life that is not filled with poverty and hoplessness. His smile will haunt me, he is one of the reasons we keep fighting for a better world.

There are a million more reasons waiting to be met. I remember watching the news before I left the States. A famous athlete was thought to have tried to commit suicide, it ended up not being the case. His spokeswoman said, "why would he want to end his life, he has 10 million reasons to stay alive" referring to his rather large contract. We all need hope to continue on. One of my sources of hope is Lahmen. I will live my life to bring hope to the many without it. Ten million dollars is reason enough for some, one boy in the small village of Grafton is reason enough for me.

What are we really doing with our lives? What is it that makes a difference in the lives of those around us? Can we ever do enough…can we ever say no? These thoughts and more trouble me daily. I know there is such a need in the world, a need for change and before that a need for hope. Here in Sierra Leone I see extreme hopelessness and despair. The people are so jaded by what they have seen in the last 5 years since the war…so many promises and no delivery. People say that they want change, but no one seems to know what that really means. It will take more than a fistful of dollars; it will take nothing less then our lives. Thomas Jefferson once said, “From time to time the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” Sierra Leone has seen its bloodshed, but will she find her freedom?

Driving to work today we were listening to Chris Tomlin. As he sang the words, “the earth is filled with His glory” I looked out of the car and saw a small child, about 6 years old digging through the huge trash heap that is on the side of the road, he was looking for breakfast.

The earth is filled with Your glory? The startling image still haunts my mind. Where is this glory? The glory of God? Some will find glory in only the miraculous. Others will find it in triumph – today I chose to see it in the trash heap in Freetown.

But where is it? How do I see the glory there? There is nothing majestic, beautiful, or magnificent about the gutters down Spur Road, but it was there that God broke through the veil and showed me His other side. My God is the God of the weak and the frail. He is present and involved – even in the trash heaps…especially in the trash heaps!

I am in Africa! It took long enough but I made it. I went about 37 hours without sleep, well I will be honest, i got about an hour of sleep on the second plane ride. I was quite exhausted when I arrived here. It is good being here though, it is good to see my family and I have always loved Sierra Leone. I must say though, I am looking forward to catching up on my sleep.......

well...i am getting ready to go to Africa...just waiting and praying that my passport gets to me on time...i guess we will see...i am sure the result of which will lead to new posts

A look at the world, and what so many people are thinking:

Journeys often end where we thought they had started. They sometimes start where we believe they must end. Is there no rhyme or reason to the mysteries of the universe? Is there no place where we can find the answers to our never ending questions? We have been told that the right answers can’t be found until we have asked the proper questions. How do we know what questions to ask if we have never seen the world beyond our vision, never heard the melodies of distant songs? How can we win a war in when we perceive no battles? Perhaps we have believed an answer to a question never asked. “There is no truth.” Dropping down to untouchables depths our soul waits to hear the tremors of truth, an echo that beats deep within our core. Patiently we wait, at first, for our doubt to wane. But it does not, it continues to grow. Is there anything left to believe in?